Hollywood Apocalypse

I always knew the end of the world would be triggered by the pudgy fingers of a 13 year old Hollywood Sweetheart… Beware, there be spoilers ahead. (Sorry, not sorry.)

Oh Miss Madison Desert Flower Rosa Parks Coyote Trickster Spencer. What can I say other than this character is Ctrl+Alt+Annoying as hell and all I want to do is give her a shake and smack her. Raised at arms length and left to her own devices she gets into all kinds of trouble. Dosing Halloween candy with enough Xanax to take out a horse and handing it out. Pretending her bloated, dead kitten is still alive and stuffed under her shirt. Rooting around in her parents hamper for cum soiled sheets… poor annoying little brat, just starved for attention.

Even though Doomed fell a bit flat, I still believe Chuck Palahniuk is a literary genius and this book had its moments. Chuck has done such a stand up job describing mundane things in such a grotesque manner I felt ill during some chapters. Namely, The Bathroom Scene…

So please, imagine me sitting in a doctors office waiting room on one of those lumpy plastic chairs. Waiting for an ultrasound after drinking a litre of water an hour before. That my friends, is a lot of water. I felt like I was floating. As I sat there reading the part where Maddie storms the mens washroom to relieve herself and ends up discovering her first Glory Hole, I was having a hard time containing my laughter let alone my bladder. Poor Madison is then accosted by a pulsing piece of dog dookie. (This is NOT dog dookie people! I repeat, NOT poop!) A vicious battle ensues between The Voyage of the Beagle and the poor schmuck’s genitals that are protruding through the roughly sawn hole in the metal wall. That poor penis didn’t stand a chance and that horrifyingly arousing tug of war ended with a ‘viscous off white vomitus’ erupting from the depths of the pages and Maddison fleeing outside as the poor sap lay bleeding to death on the floor.

I promptly put the book away before I peed all over the office floor.

Even though this novel would rank in my bottom 3 Palahniuk books, the idea behind the Maddy Religion was quite interesting. “Every unkind remark or crude gesture by another is a blessing. An opportunity to exercise our own capacity to forgive.”  Ultimately It’s just the story of a poor little rich girl, born to bring on the Apocalypse though, boo-hoo.

★★☆☆☆

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